To Drink or Not To Drink, That is the Question

As far back as I can remember, I've always used alcohol as a tool to help me socialize. It allowed me to drop my guard, my insecurities, and be more friendly, the life of the party. But along with the good times, its brought me a lot of problems, anxiety, depression, and near life ruining mistakes.  Alcohol, the cause and solution to all life's problems.

Since I was 16, I can only think of two times where I went more than a few weeks without having some sort of adult beverage.  My teens, twenties, and early thirties, the use was limited to weekends mostly but definitely in excess.  Black out drunk and debilitating hang overs.  My late thirties and forties, the excessive drinking has been curtailed but the daily social drinking has replaced it.  Now its not uncommon to have 2-4 drinks every night.  While, I don't wake up with crazy hangovers, I wake up tired, lacking motivation, lazy, anxiety, depression.  Feeling like last nights activities are holding me back from living my best life today.

Oct 2019, I decided I needed to try something different, so I did a mental toughness challenge that required you not to drink for 75 days.  I made it about 60 days or so before giving in to weakness and having a drink. I thought I could just do it this one time and finish up the 75 days plus one.  Well, that hasn't worked out.  My old habits have come flying back. 

January 2020, and into Feb., I've woken up most mornings saying I'm not drinking today, and every afternoon or evening I say that starts tomorrow.  Well, enough is enough.  I'm holding my self back.  Starting today, I'm going to take two weeks off drinking, and at the end of two weeks, I'll look evaluate again.  

Why only two weeks? Because a goal of one day at a time is not enough to keep me focused and any longer becomes to absolute. Two weeks builds momentum. When I get a streak of more days of not drinking, then I don't want to give in.  

I'm going to learn to live with this demon. Its not going to be easy, but I know when I'm not drinking regularly, I'm a better person. Will I ever drink again? Most likely, but it should be for the right circumstances, not because its Tuesday night.  There is something about having a drink that makes getting to know someone a little easier. But there doesn't need to be excess either.

I always feel like I have opposite  goals. I want six pack abs but love donuts to.  Its about finding a balance I can live with. Its about knowing this is bigger than 2 months, 2 years, from now, but rather a life journey.  Things will come and go, but for now, this is where I'm going to focus.

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